May 25th, The Day After and Then Some

Note: To those of you linking to this site from erotically charged naughty websites, BE WARNED! This particular post is filled with raw emotion, agonizing turmoil and marital discord.  If you are just visiting BlissfullyOpen for the sexy, I suggest you read my prior posts instead.  They are all waaaaay more in line with what you are looking for!

It was a rough night for me trying to reconcile myself with the unfortunate events of yesterday evening with Fabio.  I woke with low spirits in the morning and was downright despondent about the impending discussion with Nick. Though I hoped that he would be able to be even keeled, I had my doubts.

I refused, however, to let the Fabio incident completely ruin an entire Lifestyle weekend.  Ron was as eager as ever to spend sexy time with me so we took advantage of our extended opportunity and had a magnificent energizing morning romp on the notorious froggie chair.  I have never been much into morning sex and am fairly lethargic about getting in the groove.  But with some enticing encouragement and the sight of a rock hard cock known to bring me immense pleasure, my inner slut awakened.  I had a phenomenal time as usual, but the initial energy definitely did not come from me.  I needed coaxing.

Afterward we joined Nora in the hot tub and talked about the events of the previous night. Ron was unconditionally supportive of me, saying that I was deceived and was not to blame for what happened.  He felt strongly that communicating the event to Nick was important and that Nick would understand.  I had never considered not telling Nick, but I was significantly less confident that he would understand.   I was more inclined to think that this little bit of Lifestyle drama might just push Nick right over the edge.  Nora, on the other hand, initially gave me the impression that she felt I could have taken more decisive action and that it was likely that Nick would NOT understand the situation and would blame me (though she later was totally supportive).  Yes, in retrospect I absolutely could have done more to ensure that Fabio followed the rules – I could have put the condom on myself, I could have reached down and felt for the condom before penetration, I could have handed Fabio a condom and watched him put it on…, but I erroneously chose to trust him at his word.  It was emotionally damaging to open myself up and have that trust so harshly and summarily expunged.

I was extraordinarily bewildered and had a vast array of conflicting emotions and thoughts. On one hand unprotected sex was a potentially unsafe activity and violated an explicit accord between myself and Nick – even though the boundary was shattered with no intent whatsoever on my part.  I was deceived.  Yet, there were decisive actions that I could have taken that would have altered the outcome of the evening.  I ruminated extensively trying to sort out what had occurred, what was said, what was intended, what was done or not done, and whether I was to blame or not. I struggled mightily over the ‘blame’ issue then and, frankly, still do.  But at this point the castigation is entirely self-generated and internally experienced. I can’t shake it.

I spent the day floating between sex related workshops that the club was offering.  I heard about power dynamics in the BDSM realm and learned a bit about rope play as well as wax play…an area where Nick and I have pleasurably dabbled. I observed a fascinating Dom/Sub couple - she sat on the floor at his feet and proclaimed to follow his every sexual and life instruction without question…extending all the way into mundane daily tasks such as bill paying.  She said she loved being utterly submissive and doing anything and everything that her Dom commanded.  She was erotically charged by the arrangement.  I found her path to be altogether incomprehensible.   Despite the erotic pleasure I derive from a man taking the lead sexually, I think I am principally a dominant woman.  I tend to bristle at being told what to do in most contexts. Despite this fascinating diversion, I was largely unable to delight in or concentrate on the discourse or the hands-on demonstrations, as my mind was thoroughly entrenched in the doom and gloom of my pending conversation with Nick. 

If I did not feel compelled to tell Nick what happened, I would have been able to chalk it up to experience, learn a few lessons and move on in a positive, constructive manner.  I did not want to let this incident slow me down or bring me down; I did not want to dwell on a negative.  The deed was done and I could not go back in time and alter what had happened, I could only choose how I wanted to let it impact my life.  I wanted to take it in stride, learn from it, and keeping move forward.  But, Nick would nearly eliminate that aspiration for me.

 As the afternoon progressed, I became increasingly apprehensive about Nick’s pending arrival and realized that there was just no telling how the evening would evolve.  I decided that I had better take maximum advantage of my sexual freedom and live for the moment…never mind that mid to late afternoon I am routinely at my most lascivious. Ron and I sought out a place to indulge our salacious desires – which was not so easy!  There were workshops in most of the public spaces and the cleaning crew occupied the erotic play zones.  Finally as the cleaning crew was wrapping up their work, Ron and I seized the opportunity and went full tilt on the upstairs froggie chair.

We had been asked to be quick since another workshop would be starting downstairs soon and they did not want sexy clamoring emanating from above during the workshop.  Ron fucked me long, hard and thoroughly. My back arched with pleasure, my body bucked urgently meeting his deep thrusts, my cunt convulsed with orgasmic pleasure repeatedly clutching his cock, craving more and more. As much as I tried to repress my ecstatic cries of the sexual enjoyment I was experiencing, I could not do it.  With each thrust my swollen pussy shuttered in delight and I cried out, with sounds of unmistakable pleasure reverberating through out the play area.  And yet again, I was thoroughly satisfied by Ron’s sexual prowess and for the time being, my primal beast within was appeased.

Ron and I walked down the stairs to find a large group of people – mostly couples – attending a workshop on the importance of communication in the Lifestyle.  The workshop had already started when we emerged from upstairs and I realized that it was quite possible that these folks had just been unavoidably listening to Ron and I fucking upstairs.  It was an odd, somewhat unsettling realization for me – a bizarre reaction by any measure.  I tried to set aside those disconcerting thoughts and joined Kelly sitting on a large bed and tried to mentally engage in the workshop.  It was actually a rather odd grouping since Kelly and I were not friends and the seeming source of our poor relationship was my fucking Ron.  And Bill, Kelly’s husband joined us on the bed.  So there I was, freshly fucked by Ron sitting together with Kelly and her husband, with whom I had had a virtual friendship over many months and who I absolutely wanted to fuck, and her frequent lover, Ron…knowing all the while that she was merely tolerating my presence.  But, there was nowhere else to sit; and Ron and Kelly were play partners with a considerable history so it was more than appropriate for Ron to join Kelly, even if I was present. 

Following the workshop with the evening drawing near, I dressed for what could have been a tremendous, really outrageous sexy night with Nick at the club….depending on how Nick took the news of the condomless fuck with Fabio. Nick was due to arrive soon and I wanted to look drop dead sexy and self assured when he laid eyes on me. He had asked me to wear a lacey body suit, which covered my entire body.  But truthfully, I did not feel sexy in the body suit and I still associated it with a regrettably negative memory from our past.  So, I opted to wear the sexiest outfit I could muster.  It definitely pushed the limits of my personal comfort zone as well as my ability to stand up confidently in front of a crowd – but honestly, one of the biggest gifts that the Lifestyle has given me aside from phenomenal non-monogamous sexual opportunities is a tremendous boost in my own self-confidence. I felt extremely sexy in the chosen outfit and I knew that Nick would like it as well.  Nora was with me while I dressed and completely endorsed my alternate outfit as way sexier than the body suit. I wore super short black lacey shorts with a satin tie in the front that draped down nicely allowing space for a little imagination as to what might be beneath.  My beasts were not so well disguised – they were very much on display with only the slightest hint of modesty.  A sexy beaded shawl draped across my chest exposing my breasts and nipples clearly for anyone to enjoy. By back was left exposed.  I had never worn anything so daring.

As anticipated, when Nick arrived, he was pleased to see me in my barely-there, sexy outfit.  After initial greetings, we went directly to the sleeping area to settle in.  As he changed for the evening I told him I needed to explain something that happened the night before.  Now, it had crossed my mind to wait until after the weekend to tell Nick what had happened so he and we could have a fun night together, but I figured he would be even angrier if I did.  And I did not know if he would have sex with me without a condom now that someone else had and he would be exceptionally pissed to do so this evening without the knowledge of what had happened with Fabio. But telling him was surely going to ruin our rare time out together. 

I waited for Kelly to vacate the room, as I wanted a modicum of privacy to share this sure to be unwelcome news with Nick. Nick’s movements became very measured and he slowed significantly as he listened.  I was direct and told him exactly what had happened.  I explained to him that I had had sex with a man who did not wear a condom and I did not realize it until it was too late; that I had asked the man to wear a condom and that he told me he would.  I told him it was not intentional and that I was sorry that it happened. He stared at me with an expression that I could not interpret and asked me if the man had ejaculated.  I said that I did not know for sure but I did not think so. This fact would prove to be unbelievable to Nick.

We continued to prepare for the evening with little to no response from Nick.  We had a nice dinner with friends and enjoyed the floorshow with an outrageously sexy pole dancer that oozed with raw sensuality and some very edgy suspended rope play.  Nick seemed to be enjoying himself and our dinner companions.  He was attentive through out though somewhat distant.  He did not share with me what he was thinking but I could feel something dangerous brewing.  During dinner I observed Fabio watching us from his table across the dance floor.  He winked and smiled at me, quite obviously unaware of the turmoil that was building within my husband seated next to me.

I encountered Fabio in passing while heading to the ladies room.  He asked how I was – well, I was fine, but I was sure my husband was not.  Fabio gave me a look of uncertain concern.  A few minutes later, Ron approached me to let me know that Nick had asked him to point out Fabio. Nick wanted to talk with him about what had occurred.  I was worried now. And intensely annoyed, because I felt like the incident was between myself and Fabio and that Nick had no place engaging in conversation about me and my sexual encounter directly with Fabio.  I really felt that it was inappropriate for Nick to seek out Fabio.  What happened was between Fabio and myself as an individual.  The blowback affected my relationship with Nick and that is where I felt our discussions should remain, between the two of us.

After dinner Nick and I explored sexually edgy machines, devices, and other BDSM paraphernalia that were available for the sampling - including sex machines, whips, floggers, crops, cat of nine tails, and a St. Andrew’s Cross.  I was interested in watching but was feeling less adventurous than usual given the undercurrents between Nick and myself.  I am still not sure that pain administered in sexual situations will translate into erotic arousal for me.  However, it was crystal clear that one luscious blond woman reached a level of sheer bliss with a well-executed spanking on her ass. I watched as Nora climbed up onto a machine that looked somewhat like gym equipment. She spread her legs wide and as the machine was turned on a dildo thrust in and out of her pussy as her legs were spread wide apart even wider! She was utterly exposed and at the complete mercy of the machine, its rhythm and speed.  It almost seemed as if the machine was designed to split her in half when her legs were widely extended and the faux cock rammed into her.  A sexual torture of sorts in which some people clearly delight…

I opted to try the violet wand for its erotic potential.  I watched as a woman reclined on a table as Alan, a club regular, brought her to amazing sexual heights with the use of electrical shocks on her breasts, directly on her clit and around her vulva.  She achieved orgasm repeatedly at the hands of Alan and his magical electrical device.  She seemed to slip into an ecstatic oblivion as onlookers enjoyed watching her exploits.  I knew the man wielding the electrical sex toy and decided to give it a go.  I slipped off what little clothing I was wearing, climbed up on the table and laid back.  I was not sure that I would be into the electrical shocking toy, however, being a bit of an exhibitionist, I did like being on display in front of spectators.  After confirming that I did not have any metal on my body (possibly too conductive?), Alan began gently applying mild electrical shocks on my breasts, around my areola, and then directly on my nipples.  It was a stimulating sensation, but not one I could categorize as sexually erotic.  It was certainly a curious feeling but so far nothing to write home about.  When Alan moved the device down between my legs I was worried about what the electrical shock would feel like on my pussy.  Regrettably, I found it to be more uncomfortable than exciting.  It just felt like small electric shocks.  I suppose me reaction to this is similar to the non-sensual reaction that I have had to spanking so far. Maybe pain is an acquired taste and I should keep on experimenting.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) the evening did not pan out well for me. I began to feel quite unwell and despite hot tub soaks and a hot shower, I could not get warm.  After making a really good faith effort to participate in the evening’s BDSM educational opportunities and sampling of activities.  I retreated to the sleeping room and crawled into our thick winter sleeping bags.  I was frozen to the bone and shivery shaking all the while.  It seemed like many delirious hours passed before I finally broke out into a cold sweat.  I remember telling Nick that he should go out and have a good time and I hoped that he would realize that I was genuinely unwell and that I was not ‘hiding’ because of what had happened. I recall Ron coming in and being frisky to see if I wanted to play once and a second time to check on me to see if I was okay.  I was not.  Bill and Kelly came in and out a couple of times and at one point I remember Bill expressing surprise that I was not out playing.  I think people thought I was hiding or avoiding a situation but truthfully I was dreadfully unwell. 

I do not know when my fever broke or when Nick came into the room for the night.  I remember Bill and Kelly coming in for their bedding to sleep elsewhere.  I have not the faintest idea when Nora and Ron turned in for the night though they were there when I woke.  I am always a very light sleeper on play nights and was very disconcerted when I woke to find that I had slept the night. In the morning when I woke feeling better, Nick was already up.  I showered and dressed and was looking forward to socializing with friends over breakfast.  This is when Nick pulled the plug and his rage teetered on the brink of exposure.

We left immediately.  I do not think that we could have vacated the club any faster if we tried. Nick urgently wanted out of the club and away – from what exactly I did not know.  We bid a hasty farewell to Ron and Nora who got up to say goodbye to us.  As Nick went for the car I sought out Ron and Nora to tell them that Nick and I were not okay and that we were leaving because of the incident with Fabio. I did not think it was fair to them not to be honest.  They both looked at me with concern. And, honestly, I was concerned too.  I had never seen Nick quite like this and did not know what to expect.  I saw Fabio at the bathroom sink, watching me with a serious and uncomfortable expression on his face.  He clearly knew that something was amiss. I did not engage him.

Nick’s delayed reaction was tremendous and unlike anything I had ever experienced with him. We got into the car and began to drive and he started trembling and just went ballistic.  He was so angry with me that he nearly caused a car accident – scaring me more than a little.  He was insanely furious.  Nick expressed a complete lack of understanding, significant hurt, tremendous fear and venomous anger.  In our 21 years together he had never verbally attacked me so viciously, at such a heavy and intense volume, nor for such a sustained period of time.

Nick directly or indirectly blamed me for what had happened.  It was completely and utterly my fault. How could I not know if Fabio was wearing a condom? Nick implied I could not be trusted if my judgment was so poor. If I could be swept off my feet so easily I obviously could not be relied upon to take care of myself in sexually charged situations. How could I not know if Fabio ejaculated? Nick said he did not want me going out to clubs alone, at all. He demanded to be included in all communications I have with anyone related to the lifestyle.  He was furious because he felt that I did not take sexually transmitted infections seriously – something I find beyond astounding since I have been tested more than once for EVERY conceivable STI since I started having sex outside of our marriage last fall – including the week before this incident.  I have also ALWAYS used condoms. I told Nick that if I had wanted to purposefully not use a condom that it would be with Ron whom I have been with many, many times and with whom have a base level of trust not some guy that I just met!  Nick’s reaction angered me.  He was treating me like a child or an object to be controlled.

In the furious, impassioned moment, Nick insinuated that he sought to close off our open marriage and lifestyle exploration.  He used to criticize me because I did not exude confidence and he no longer found me sexy.  Now he was lamenting that I was confident and he found that to be sexy BUT that he did not know how to manage my new confidence – which he professed more resembled the woman he fell in love with and married.  But truth be told, I think, in retrospect, that to some degree he enjoyed the comfortable and familiar existence with the formerly less confident version of myself.  I found this to be an incomprehensible slap in the face.  He was not happy with me before and does not know what to do with me now.  How could I win?

I attempted to maintain a calm center while Nick raged.  He lashed out, delivering ultimatums and was only able to see the world through his fear-tainted lens.  In the moment, this was quite clearly his version of our reality, but it was decidedly not mine.  Eventually, his cruel and unusual verbal thrashing resulted in an overwhelming anger deep inside me that simply reached its tipping point.  My ire was unleashed along with a stream of sorrowful tears.  I accused him of trying to control me and force me back inside the convenient little box that I had worked so hard to free myself of over the course of the last year. I had been so very unhappy then – for a wide range of reasons some of which involved Nick and others that were all on me - and I would not go back.  I worked hard and found my way out by myself.  This argument was about so much more that a condomless fuck, an open marriage, and the Lifestyle.

With my overwrought emotional response, Nick finally stopped ranting and seemed to be really taking into account what I had said.   I know he disagreed with my assessment but he could not discount how I interpreted and internalized our situation and the harsh words that had so violently permeated our marital space.  About three hours after the verbal assault had begun; Nick decided he would reconsider some of his rash ultimatums. He said he had spoken out of anger as well as deep fear, and in retrospect he had said things he did not mean.  Nick apologized for being so harsh and not at least trying to understand that I too had a difficult experience to process. 

The next morning, Nick wanted to make amends but did not know how and I was thoroughly numb and emotionally detached. This was absolutely the worst fight we had ever had during the course of our relationship. Damage was done; a clingy harmful residue clung to me like a gooey black tar that could not be scraped off. I felt burned, emotionally raw, dismally crushed, colossally depressed, listlessly angry, deeply hurt and profoundly sad.  I was in utter despair after the hours long verbal beating despite the passing of another night. I felt psychologically bruised and battered. I was wounded and remained so for days.  My emotions were a tumultuous roller coaster ride for days afterwards and I could not comprehend what I was feeling or why.  Nor was I willing to share my chaotic emotions with anyone.  I absolutely could not talk to Nick about my emotions at this point. I was too hurt.

On Monday, I felt protective of Fabio, forgiving even. Maybe I had somehow been unclear? Did I say something that could have somehow been misinterpreted that would have led Fabio to believe that condoms were not required?  I was confounded and could not discern reality. I did not understand what I was feeling.  I was still reeling from the verbal lashing with Nick.  Several people strongly encouraged me to report Fabio’s dishonorable behavior to the club to have him potentially banned from the club. 

On Tuesday I was utterly indifferent, embattled and emotionally impaired.  I kept hearing Fabio’s words, “that is not what I do” resounding in my head as I tried to figure out how I could possibly misunderstand those words.  Those words were his response when I asked him why he did not use a condom.  How can he have been honorable and still uttered those words in response to my question?

On Wednesday, I receded into myself and did not want to engage with anyone or be touched in any way.  I was despondent. How could such an intensely pleasurable act lead to such incredible pain for myself and my husband?  And how could it engender such strong responses from Lifestyle friends with whom I had shared but who were not directly involved? I was resentful of the degree of negativity that spun out of a single sexual encounter.  Why was I not allowed to revel in the incredible sexual experience and mark up the incident to a hard lesson learned?  Why did so many people suddenly appear to have a stake in my actions? 

On Thursday I just felt lost and forlorn – every place that I enjoyed suddenly seemed tainted and unsafe.  I was not sure that I could trust anyone again.  I could not imagine going out again.  Yet at this point, Nick was encouraging me to go back out with Ron and Nora and to ‘get back on the horse.’ Nick said that he trusted Ron and Nora to look out for me.  Nick was clear though that I was not to get back on THAT horse, meaning Fabio.

Eventually, I did report Fabio’s behavior to the club.  Club management was incredibly and consistently supportive of me in every way.  When I explained the incident I was told that it was grounds for a lifetime termination of Fabio’s membership.  However, I would only agree to report his actions if I was guaranteed that he would be suspended rather than terminated.  While he was not honest with me, the sex was superb (see the previous post for details!) and I do not want to deny other women of the possibility of fucking him.  And there are plenty of women that would love to fuck Fabio and would not even consider asking him to wear a condom. I also hoped that being suspended from the club would be enough to cause Fabio to reconsider his actions and make more honorable choices in the future.  But……maybe I am too much of an optimist.

Regrettably, I did not return to this club for nearly three months, in part because I no longer felt secure and I was deeply unsure of myself in ways that I cannot even identify. I had been rattled to my core.  And yet, I cannot think of a safer environment in which to explore non-monogamy.