I recently resorted to drastic measures. The discord between Kelly and myself
had manifested itself in too many facets of my non-monogamous life. It was unsettling going to the clubs
and feeling her ire toward me as well as her flat out ill-disguised rejection
of my husband. It was painful to
effectively sacrifice Bill as a friend because of my wretched relationship with
his wife. Our connection had
always been a virtual friendship by virtue of our distant physical localities,
but, despite this, it had taken on a significant place in my life. And now that Bill was back in the US
after a stint overseas, it was exceedingly disquieting seeing him when I knew
that I was not welcome to approach. Both Kelly and Bill had made this
exceedingly clear to me. Kelly’s disdain for me began to influence by extension
my play and my friendships with other playmates. Her protracted tentacles stretched far and influenced
mightily. While I did not believe
it was her premeditated intent, it was pervasive nonetheless. The situation had become untenable for
me and it had to be improved. This
lifestyle was quite simply too valuable for me to allow such continued
dissonance.
So, I made a third attempt to reconcile our
differences. This was literally my
third bid to sit down with Kelly and get to the root of our disharmony. The first time was in her formal living
room. She was polite yet not remotely receptive. She heard nothing I said, talk at me with trivial, non-stop
small talk nearly the entire encounter, and in retrospect I do not think she
was even aware that I was trying to reconcile. The second time in a Thai restaurant she was distantly
friendly and chatty about the lifestyle and non-monogamy and used her
professional expertise to evade my purpose and to redirect the conversation
toward me, my newness to non-monogamy and the challenges faced in the
lifestyle. She was somewhat more
receptive in her presentation but successfully reverted the dialogue back onto
me resulting in her indirect refusal to open her own wounds to get to the root
of our problem. But this last time…this
last time we both came to the table with directness, openness and honesty that allowed
us to actually reach the core of the issue and we agreed to try again to be
friends.
Our misunderstandings and misinterpretations of each other
were remarkable but as real to each of us as could be. One’s perception of the world is quite
simply one’s reality – even when it is nowhere near the reality in truth. She explained her impressions and
understandings of my actions and of me personally. I was stunned and hurt that I could be interpreted so
profoundly inaccurately. It never
fails to blow me away to learn that the woman that people perceive me to be can
be so drastically different from who I actually am. I am blunt and direct, or altogether evasive, but respectful. I have always expected others to be
equally candid and forthright with me.
I have never been conniving or deceptive. I never intentionally reached
out to hurt other women with words. But, when I keep to myself and do not say much, it leaves
other people to fill in the blanks.
And, not surprisingly, I suppose, when I do speak up I am often
misunderstood.
The conversation between Kelly and I was also an opportunity
for self-reflection and sharing. We
both had the chance to come clean with our own actions and illuminate some of
the misunderstandings. We both
realized that we judged each other inaccurately and too harshly and that was
not fair to either of us.
Amazingly, we agreed to start our friendship from scratch, with a clean
slate based on the knowledge that we both came to the table with the best of
intentions and that we possessed interests and life experiences that
intersected more than happens with most people. We had a ripe foundation from
which to build a friendship.
For me, my efforts toward reconciliation were nothing short
of earthshakingly monumental. I
extended myself light years beyond my comfort zone trying to make peace with Kelly. I was somewhat flummoxed by my efforts
because they were entirely out of character for me. I had never, ever made this level of effort to resolve
differences with a woman before – never in my life. This was not what I did. I
could only conclude that my newfound pleasure in the non-monogamous lifestyle and
the resultant community that was developing was infinitely more valuable to me
that I had realized. I desperately wanted this to work. I wanted it to work at the core of my
being, enough to rock me into action and wildly uncharted relationship
territory.
With an agreement to start from scratch and try to be
friends, Kelly and I began to communicate more often and more openly, particularly
about sexy topics. Not long after
our reconciliation I was randy as hell and said as much to Kelly. Nick was
overseas and I was getting ready to travel to visit high school friends over
the coming weekend.
Coincidentally, Kelly had travel plans for the same weekend. Since our flights were early on a
Saturday morning, Kelly offered to let me share her airport hotel room. We jokingly talked about going out to a
nearby bar and flirting with local men to see if we could drum up some naughty
anonymous hotel action. At some
point in the instant messaging conversation, a light bulb went off for Kelly and
she provocatively suggested that the acclaimed sexual services of Bill could be
made available, should I wish to ask for them. But, I had to ask.
Now I was floored and literally left short of breath by the
outlandish offer. Was it an
offer? Was it a joke? Was she serious? Was Bill receptive? Kelly
was all but saying I could fuck her husband for the asking. But she (and presumably he) wanted me
to ask. I was acutely intrigued, extraordinarily
ambivalent and phenomenally anxious about the potential repercussions for Kelly
and I as well as Bill and I. Did I
want to fuck Bill?
Absolutely. I had been
thinking about it since we met 9 months earlier. Did I want to risk my friendship with Kelly and take the
sexual plunge? I was entirely
uncertain that this was an advisable course of action. Is this the way that I wanted to get
physical with Bill? Definitely
not. Would accepting this offer
put the final nail in the coffin of my friendship with Bill? Maybe. Did I eventually,
after much cajoling by Kelly and incredible indecisive squirming on my part,
move forward with the proposition?
Yes, I did. Why? I guess I
figured that it might be my only opportunity to be with Bill and our
relationship was already about at rock bottom, so what did I have to lose? I also did not want to turn down what
appeared to be a genuinely friendly and open offer by Kelly to share her
husband with me.
I met Bill and Kelly at their home. It was awkward as hell, but there I was
nonetheless. Once I committed, I
was in for the duration – good, bad or otherwise. I jumped feet first and prepared to deal with the
consequences later. We all headed
up to the airport in our three vehicles and eventually managed to meet at the
hotel. Kelly and I arrived first
and checked in. It was a little
bit uncomfortable entering a hotel room where I was planning to fuck her
husband. But again, she had
offered and was holding firm on her overture. Bill arrived shortly after us, having missed the highway exit
for the hotel. He appeared to be
about as uncomfortable as I was.
Luckily, Kelly had a playmate meeting us as well. I was thrilled that there would be a
fourth person. I had been somewhat
distressed with the idea that we were entering into a threesome or that Kelly
would just hang out and watch Bill and me fucking. I had been in that position many times with Ron and
Nora. Sometimes I did not mind,
but it could be disconcerting and seriously distract from the depth and quality
of a sexually intense moment. And getting to know Bill under the watchful eyes
of Kelly left me nauseatingly nervous.
Kelly left Bill and I alone in the room while she went to
pick up her date from the train station.
Bill and I were a bit like cornered animals. We were stiff and awkward, uncomfortable even in simple
conversation. We were apprehensive about what the evening might hold but yet
cautiously eager in an opaque kind of way. We postponed physical proximity
making excuses to delay as long as we could. We ordered pizza and Bill declared that we should wait for
the pizza to arrive lest we have to answer the door in a compromising state of
dress. An absurd excuse but a
clear indication that he was just as uneasy as I was with the whole ludicrous
situation. I could not be sure
what Bill was wanting or thinking.
He was entirely ambiguous in his manner and closed in his thoughts, not
allowing his feeling or emotions to be shared with me. I had little data to interpret. It felt as if we were devoid of any valid
connection and that was painful for me. I remember wondering if I should head for the hills before it
was too late. It was a rough place
to be for me, especially with a man, with whom I had developed such a deep,
though currently defunct, friendship.
Eventually, Kelly returned with Max, one of her favorite
playmates. And sometime thereafter, sexual play began for all parties. I was with Bill on the queen size bed
nearest the window. Kelly and Max occupied the bed nearest the hotel room door. I have not the slightest idea how Bill
and I began to get physical. None
what so ever. Zero memory of the
initiation. The entire scene
and particularly the encounter between Bill and I unfolded unnaturally, almost
forced, and in no way spontaneous. We seemed determined to make something
happen rather than to let ‘us’ evolve organically. Bill and I knew each other almost
intimately at a distance, but in proximity we were next to strangers.
We were physically aggressive with each other, with our
initial kissing and touching. We stumbled and fumbled through a physical desire
that was clearly present on the surface of our beings, yet the underlying
discomfort was enormous and undeniable. Despite the elephant in the room, Bill
and I seemed determined to do the deed.
Thinking about fucking Bill for so many months and sexy instant
messaging with him from a great distance left me with a strong animalistic desire
to be with him. This despite my
inner-self screaming at me all the while to wait, to stop, to go slow, to value
this friendship and not risk damage by doing what we had come to do.
But, I had already jumped into the murky waters feet first
and was sinking rapidly. I
remember Bill moving his body over mine, his razor sharp chest hair stubble
rubbing roughly over my breasts and abdomen. It was a discomfort that I had not anticipated and it very
much took me by surprise. During
the sexual exchanges that ensued, we were at times unduly aggressive in our
oral sex – both of us intentionally or inadvertently (which I am not entirely sure
in either case) - verging on inflicting corporeal discomfort on the other. Despite this I have a strong
recollection of Bill’s alluring, substantial cock resting solid as a rock on
his abdomen and I recall the feel of his cock in my hands, the smooth, luscious
firmness of his member in my mouth and my oddly exquisite desire to savor his
cock as if it was some exotic delicacy. It was a most unusual recollection for
me.
We fucked long and hard. We fucked as if we had something to prove. Bill fucked me harder that I have ever been
fucked by anyone, before or since.
With his rock hard cock thrusting aggressively and vigorously inside my
pussy, he practically nailed me to the headboard, over and over again. I was overwhelmed by the intensity of
the physicality of the carnal ravishing. My body could not quietly contain the
magnitude of the sexual merging. I
responded enthusiastically and almost violently in orgasmic revelry. My sounds
of unadulterated pleasure emanated loudly. I could not form words I was so overcome by the animalistic
nature of our fucking.
Kelly and Max fucked unreservedly and with obvious orgasmic
gratification on the bed next to us.
I reveled in the sights and sounds of their passionate copulation while
Bill and I were indulging in sexual intermissions. Kelly was entertainingly vocal in her sexual interactions and
euphoric declarations. She made
certain her sexual partners were crystal clear on how to proceed and on exactly
what her body needed to reach the pinnacle of carnal ecstasy.
Our dueling sexual encounters volleyed from one bed to the
other with a progressive flow of wildly orgasmic sounds continuously emanating
from the hotel room. Each couple had the opportunity to savor watching the
other couple in ecstatic fucking and to enjoy being observed in an overtly
exhibitionist fashion. At one
point during the night, Max and Kelly were cuddled on their bed watching Bill
and I fucking vigorously, as if they were attending some sort of professional
entertainment event. Max excitedly
declared something to the effect of, “this was well worth the price of
admission!” The hilarity of the
scene was one of the lightest and most entertaining moments of the evening for
me. For a split second the gravity
and complexity of the evenings events completely escaped me. And then the back
and forth sexual engagement between the beds repeated itself. Each couple watching the other fucking repeatedly
pumped us all up for action and our two couples took turns fucking over and
over again late into the night. I
came again and again – a euphoric delectation impossible to deny once I attained
that state of raw carnal pleasure.
Our sexual escapades wound down in the wee hours of the
morning. I tried to sleep but
found it to be impossible. Aside
from the utter novelty of the situation, which in and of itself was enough to
keep sleep at bay, I was on a bed with Bill that afforded me no alternative
other than to roll into him full on.
And that was just not a comfortable state of being for me! So I did not sleep.
Well before the sun rose, Kelly prepared to depart for her
flight. Bill and Max were
oblivious to the world when she left.
I wished her a safe journey, thanked her for the generosity she
displayed by sharing her husband with me and gave her a hug (she fully dressed,
me entirely nude). And then I closed the hotel room door behind her as she
departed.
After Kelly left, I laid in bed realizing that I was in a
hotel room totally nude with two men that I really did not know. I mused at what these sorts of
circumstances could lead to. A
while later, I watched Max quietly move about the room dressing and gathering
his belongings and then he quietly snuck out, leaving Bill and I alone in the
room. This state of being was
unbelievably disconcerting for me. Alone. In a hotel room. With Bill. I was amazed at how this had come to
be.
In the morning, Bill and I lay together for a while, we
talked a bit, but we were still uneasy and wary with each other. I silently
lamented my decision to plunge into this situation and not let it evolve
organically over time. If Bill and
I had just met, fucking would have been easy. And in some ways I regretted that
exactly that had not happened nine months prior. But, over the course of time, we had had extensive exchanges
– sometimes intensely personal and intimate - and had built the foundation of a
potentially durable connection and I was vested in that budding friendship. I
hoped that we could find our way back to being friends, though I had my doubts. I strenuously questioned the wisdom of
my actions the night before and felt a sharp twinge of regret.
Bill was sending conflicting messages in the morning. On one
hand he seemed to want to spend time with me, suggesting that he was sexually
interested in some morning fun. But on the other hand, there were subtle
signals that indicated a need to put space between us and to distance ourselves
from the events of the night before. We showered individually, dressed and
departed rapidly with a perfunctory parking lot good-bye.
The tangible effects of the night lasted for days. I was unbelievably sore. My cunt and my hips ached from the
extraordinary pounding that I had eagerly, yet reluctantly, taken from
Bill. This was the only time since
my teenage years that I felt the carnal repercussions for days afterward. It was a shocking revelation for me to
realize what an extraordinary corporeal gift Bill had given me. I had been craving the exquisitely
aching and bruised feeling of being fucked relentlessly for years. And there it
was. The side effect of a very awkward, contrived sexual encounter with a man
that I absolutely wanted to fuck….just not under those circumstances.
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