After a three-hour drive in torrential rain we arrived at
the restaurant just in time to meet Ron and Nora. Ron and Nora were dressed to the nine’s for Posh Night at
the club. Nora was wearing a long
overcoat that made me smirk with a bit of naughtiness. It was the perfect coat to wear when
one had nothing on underneath. Of
course, Nora was wearing a nice, if very little, sexy dress underneath with
sparkly earrings dangling from her ears. But every time I looked at her I could
not help but think she could be naked under that coat! Despite my mental play
with Nora’s wardrobe and my desire to reach out and touch Ron, I was uptight
and reserved. All four of us were palpably tense.
I had talked to Nick earlier in the day about his
conversational intentions for the dinner but I was still excruciatingly apprehensive. Nick had called the group to the table
and no one knew quite what to expect.
Ron and Nora were treading carefully. Both Ron and Nora had expressed a
repeated desire to have a solid four-way friendship between our two
couples. I doubted that was in the
cards given Nick’s unpredictable history with Ron as my preferred extra-marital
playmate. Nick still seemed to
suffer from an evolving and unpredictable uneasiness and jealousy that I simply
could not comprehend.
After a brief wait we were shown to our table. Nick excused himself for the men’s room
as we were being seated. Ron asked where he should sit and both Nora and I
indicated that he should sit with Nora….far away from me. Ron and I typically would sit together,
but I knew that Nick would not react well to seeing Ron sitting next to me when
he returned from the bathroom. How
very strange for me that something so small would set him off, but I was sure
it would. Nick’s ability to draw
things out of proportion had been striking over the last many months. In fact, Nick
recently brought up the fact that I sat next to Ron at our last successful sexy
outing instead of with him, as a source of discomfort, nay jealousy. In fact,
it was not uncommon to not to sit with one’s spouse while in the clubs,
especially before and after play. So I was surprised that this was an issue and
had not attached significance to it. Nick obviously had.
I was not planning to order anything alcoholic since I would
rather not indulge in alcohol much on potential play nights. But then I
realized that I was so tense that I was actually holding my breath and
literally not breathing. In
that state I was not going to have fun anyway, so I might as well have a drink
and try to induce an artificial state of relaxation. We ordered dinner and
engaged in perfunctory chitchat for some time.
About half way through dinner Nick started talking. I cannot really recount what precisely was
said, but Nick was probably more direct and sharing with his feelings than was
comfortable for Ron. Ron and Nora listened for a long time saying very
little. Nick compared Ron to a
silverback gorilla in terms of his dominant tendencies with others, women in
particular. Ron does tend to be
fairly dominant as a man, though I have never felt that there was any conscious
intent and certainly no mal intent on his part. But other men do sometimes view him in a more strongly dominant
position – whether that was a function of Ron’s actions or the insecurities of
other men, I could not know. I do
not focus on these particular traits nor do I feel troubled by them in any
way. I just try to enjoy Ron simply
for what he offers me: a non-threatening, comfortable friendship (with both
Rona and Nora) with exceptional sexual benefits.
However, I was fairly certain that Nick would not agree with
my perspective from his external view of the situation. Ron’s automatic proximity to me when we
were in a club environment sent an unambiguous message to other men and was an
unmistakable inhibitor. Sometimes
I did not mind this and sometimes it bothered me when I saw my range of sexual
opportunities limited by my proximity to Ron, but I do not believe it was ever
intentional on Ron’s part. (Just to be totally fair here, Ron also opened a lot
of incredibly fun sexual opportunities for me that probably would not have come
my way had I not been playing with him at the time. It goes both ways.
There are advantages and disadvantages to every situation.)
Somewhere in the conversation, Nora spoke up. She heard what Nick was saying and was
able to reflect back his feeling and emotions so that Nick felt heard and
validated. Something he could not
get (or would not accept) from me because I am largely the center and in some
cases the unequivocal source of his angst. My attempts had often been met with indirect confrontation,
blatant misunderstanding and sometimes even a low level of simmering hurt and anger.
Nick later told me that he felt like Nora really understood
him. He so rarely talked to people
in the lifestyle about what he was experiencing. I had been encouraging him to share with others who
understood the world we were occupying these days. But, his opportunities had been few and in general his
motivation to do so had not been present.
In the recent past he told me that he did not want to talk to anyone
other than me about what he was feeling and experiencing as a result of our
non-monogamous path….and you can see how well that has gone! I, on the other hand, had several
people that I choose to talk with who helped me keep everything in perspective
and bring me down when I got all worked up in my head. So I had on occasion been able to work
through some of my issues and neutralize potential ill feelings through
conversations with others instead of bringing them to the table with Nick. Nick on the other hand did not have
that luxury and frankly, I have suffered for it. And so has he.
At some point in the conversation the topic of September 6th came up. It was a bizarre, crazy sexy weekend with
lots and lots of sex – here, there and everywhere. But it was also a perplexing experience for me, as well as for
Ron and Nora. Nick’s behavior was
new and was perceived as being somewhat sexually aggressive that weekend by me
and apparently by Ron and Nora as well. It seemed like Nick had been out to
prove something. His
dominance? His sexual acumen? His
primacy in our relationship? No
one knew. This was one of the few points that Ron and Nora brought up at the
dinner. The fact that Nick seemed
to be out to aggressively substantiate something (but what?) the last time we
were all together. They were
flummoxed by his actions, as I had been as well.
Interestingly this was one of the few takeaways that Nick
brought up later. He felt like he
was being verbally chastised for being himself that night. He had been adamant
about having found his comfort zone and that his behavior was the new
Nick. Maybe it was. Though in our twenty plus year
relationship I had never experienced this Nick. So, the ruling was still out on
my end.
After dinner we all departed with a ‘see you at the club’
left hanging in the air. There
were no clear requests made, no expectations outlined, nothing. Everything was wide open and undone. Nick had had a chance to share what was
going on inside his head, but there were no next steps, no plans forward, no transparent
understandings. So I left the
restaurant with an ambivalent wary feeling. I had no idea how the evening would proceed. I had no clue if Nick wanted to be
around Ron and Nora or not. Nick
had gone from supportively encouraging me to fuck Ron because he knew how much
I took pleasure in and had benefited from my sexual experiences with Ron and wanting
to voyeuristically watch our corporeal merging; to not wanting to be anywhere
in the vicinity of Ron and I; to sitting down for a cordial dinner to shed
light on his anxieties. I felt
like I was on a wild, extended roller coaster ride and was getting seriously
nauseous at all the high speed twists and turns that I was experiencing. I did not know which frame of mind Nick
was in or what he wanted for the evening.
We were heading to the club cold, unprepared, and prepped for nothing
more than yet another disastrous evening.
Despite the air of uncertainty and anxiety, back at the
hotel I squeezed into the blazing hot, ultra sexy black latex swing dress Nick
had bought for me. It had a fitted
scoop neck, which accentuated my breasts, and a loose cut playful skirt. I had been really excited to wear it
but had held back since Nick wanted to be present with me when I wore it for
the first time. He wanted to watch men’s reactions as their eyes roved over my
body snuggly ensconced in the tantalizingly tight dress. Well, unfortunately, that kind of
salacious male attention is predicated on my ability to exude positive,
confident, sexual energy, and frankly, it just was not there after all that had
gone on emotionally that weekend.
I was ambivalent, reluctant, hesitant, anxious, nervous….I could go on
with non-sexy descriptors, but it was simply clear that an over the top sexual
extravaganza was not likely to take place unless something drastic happened
between Nick and I to change the uncomfortable dynamics. But, out the door we went anyway.
We arrived at the club a little later than usual and the
house was rocking with all manner of sexy people oozing with desire. This party was the first time that I
had visited the club when the third floor couples’ play area was open. I had been really excited to see the
third floor and to get to try it out.
The entire club, and third floor especially, was bursting at the seams
with couples and singles all looking for action – actual sexual play, or the
opportunity to watch or to be watched…exhibitionism and voyeurism holding
significant appeal for many. Nick and I gradually made our way upstairs
checking out the scene as we moved through the masses and tried to get a feel
for the way the night might go.
Soon after arriving, we encountered Ron and Nora, which we
knew we would. Nick took the approach
of mild avoidance without completely ignoring them. But it seemed apparent to
me from his actions that he did not want to interact with them. We had left the dinner table lacking a
clear plan for the evening as two couples so Ron and Nora were confused. As I was. Despite this, Nick told me that he was fine if I fucked Ron
and that he actually expected I would.
But I was not getting a remotely positive or supportive vibe from him
and was not sure that Nick really intended what he said.
At one point, Ron cautiously approached me and whispered in
my ear that he did not want me to think he was ignoring me but that he thought
he should keep his distance given the uncertainty of everything. Ron and Nora were very uncomfortable
with our couple dynamics, did not know how to proceed and wanted to err on the
side of extreme caution. Ron told
me that he and Nora did not understand what Nick wanted. And, frankly, neither did I; and I said
as much to Ron. So we agreed to
keep some distance for the evening unless I signaled otherwise.
Nick and I roamed around the club, both of us skittish and
uptight. After the wide-ranging inconsistency and disparity I had experienced
over the last few days with Nick’s declaration about his discomfort in the
proximity of Ron and I, the previous awkward night with Mona and Nick’s uneven
reaction and the inconclusive dinner earlier in the evening, I could not begin
to relax. I cannot say how we
spent our time or what we did for the evening.
Eventually, I mustered the courage (which heretofore I had
never really needed) and asked Nick if he minded if I went to play with Ron for
a little while. I was hoping that sex with Ron would help take the edge off my
acute unsettled agitation. Nick had consistently said that he expected that I
would fuck Ron when we were in the same venue. And that he was fine with
that….even though he recently seemed to indicate that he may not be so
fine. Despite the fact that Nick
had rattled my security and self-confidence, I took a deep breath and decided
to accept him at his word. I did
not invite Nick to come with me because he had told me that he did not want to
see Ron and I together at all, let alone fucking, and I did not believe that he
wanted to spend time with Ron and Nora even after our tell-all dinner.
I found Ron and Nora up on the couples’ only third floor
sitting together on a bench with some other people. They did not appear to be interacting with the others;
rather they seemed to be honing their voyeuristic skills. Ron and Nora were fully dressed watching
an attractive thirty-something couple engaged in mesmerizing erotic sexploits
on the bed directly in front of them.
I approached Ron without delay, said hello, asked if he
wanted to play, leaned over and started kissing him. I do not think Ron has ever turned down an offer for sex in
his entire life. So we peeled off our clothes (one literally does have to peel
off skin tight latex and my sexy black latex dress was no exception!). We found
ourselves on the bed opposite the mesmerizing couple that was still engaged in
passionate sexual play. I wondered
if they were a life long couple or freshly minted lovers.
Knowing our time was limited; Ron and I wasted no time with
preliminaries and got straight down to seriously zealous sexy business. Touching, licking, sucking, kissing,
plunging, thrusting, fucking, bucking and climaxing all ensued in rapid
succession. The feeling of Ron’s no nonsense cock and its magnificent girth was
just what I had been craving. We
fucked with animalistic orgasmic intent until I felt like I was on fire
inside. Despite the delicious
pleasure and erotic intensity of our sexual merging on this night, it did not
last long. My own physical
responses did not reach their usual level of explosive eagerness. Nor did Ron’s. My mood was somewhat
subdued by the uncertainties of the evening and my enthusiasm was
hampered. I was suffering the
residual corporeal effects of a rocky emotional evening and uncertainty with
Nick. And Ron was not up to his usual game, either.
While Ron and I were playing, Nora joined us and sat fully
clothed on the upper corner of the bed next to my head. She touched my breasts and pinched my
nipples as Ron enthusiastically thrust his fingers vigorously in and out of my
wet pussy, causing my exquisitely responsive G-Spot to climax with intense, yet
somewhat muted, pleasure. With his
other hand Ron began to squeeze and twist my nipples. He intently observed my facial and body reactions, and
listened carefully to my moans and sighs to ascertain precisely which of his
twisting motions combined with how much pressure would illicit obvious pleasure
from me. He guided Nora to do the
same knowing that it had the potential to release a warm wave of euphoric bliss
through out my body but without the ultimate satisfaction of an actual orgasm. Twisting my nipples with just the right
force and intensity released a flow of hormones from my brain that was eerily
reminiscent of the delirious state (though magnitudes more powerful) that I
often achieved while breast-feeding my sons when they were babes. It was still an art to be mastered, but
I liked the potential for pleasure that my nipples had recently revealed to me.
After temporarily dulling my libidinous sexual needs at the
expert hands of Ron and his ‘sure thing’ ability to take me to the seeming
zenith of my climaxing potential (well, at least it was as good as it was going
to get with my altered mental state that evening), I slithered back into my
black latex attire, with Nora making the snapping sounds pulling on the latex
as I dressed. I thanked Ron and
Nora for the fun and headed off to find Nick.
The memories of my time with Nick on that night are murky
and muddled. The energy between us
was ramped up in an unhealthy way that was not helping us come together in the intimate
sexual way that we both craved and needed. At some point in the evening, Nick thought getting me fucked
by some other men might get the juices following and loosen us both up. On a previous night he had enjoyed watching
my pleasure at the hands of multiple anonymous cocks and we had had huge
success in these arrangements on other outings. In principle, the idea was not a bad one, but the devil was
in the details. We had not
communicated this as an evening goal prior to arriving at the club and for some
unknown reason, I was not able to fully understand Nick’s intent. The club was loud and hectic and I was
thrown for a loop when Nick introduced me to a couple of European men and
suggested that we play. One of the
men was French, youthfully handsome, and held a slight glint in his eye that
appealed to me and indicated an optimistic possibility for a fun sexual
time. The other man did not once
look me in the eye. And that was
just not happening.
Despite my husband’s efforts and interest by the men, it
just was not meant to be. I doubted my ability to be an enthusiastic sex
partner with strangers while Nick and I were suffering from such palpable
stress and anxiety. In
retrospect, I could not put my finger on exactly how the entire evening went so
disastrously awry. In part, I
attributed it back to the lack of pre-evening planning and dearth of thorough communication
between Nick and myself. In
addition, when Nick and I were in a funk, sexy times were just plain hard to
come by together, if not impossible. And we were both decidedly in a full on
funk on that night. The tremendous anxiety, awkward frustration and sheer
disappointment we exuded were breathtakingly intense in an exceedingly unsexy
way.
Eventually Nick and I headed up to the third floor in the
vain hope of play as a couple. We
managed to find the absolutely most uncomfortable play space that the club
could possibly offer. It was as if
a thin blanket was thrown over some wooden slats and was frankly an irritation
that was impossible to ignore. We disrobed and despite limited mutual efforts
(though truthfully, without significant fervor or optimism on either of our
parts) we went absolutely nowhere sexually. Yet again. It
did not help that the scene came complete with a visually provocative, yet
oddly unappealing, group of hot bodies standing and chatting about nothing
remotely sexy directly at the end of our bed waiting for us to “finish” so they
could occupy the space. As it
turned out, it was a fairly effective strategy to get an uninspired couple to
vacate a bed.
Both nights that weekend were quite simply epically
calamitous and not to be repeated.
However, Nick and I found an upside to the catastrophic weekend. We learned some valuable lessons that
were obvious yet revolutionary for the two of us. We realized we were both completely in the wrong headspace
to enjoy ourselves and simply should not have gone out to the club at all. Nor should we have engaged with Ron and
Nora as it only served to confuse (and possible offend) them, further mottle
the situation, and drag them into what really was about private challenges,
deeply personal histories and profound insecurities between Nick and
myself. In retrospect, Nick
probably gained something from the evening having had the opportunity to
express things that he had bottled up.
But, it was not a productive evening for anyone. However, even failures (and this was,
without a doubt, an uncommonly spectacular failure of a weekend) hold
gems. And I think couples need to
fail along the way to find their paths in the world of non-monogamy. Failure
was good since we learned some elementary lessons about how Nick and I needed
to function as a couple when we go out together.
Our Takeaways:
** Never ever go out together when either of us in
a bad headspace. It is a waste of
time and money and only leaves everyone feeling horrible at the end of the
evening.
** Always have a plan when going out together. The times we have had specific plans
discussed in advance (for example: to have a gang bang) we had been highly
sexually successful – with other playmates as well as with each other. Though, we did have one totally
unplanned spectacular occasion where we met another couple and had an amazingly
erotic full swap night. But, more
often that not, in our experience, having no plan or common understanding led
to disappointing nights out for us as a couple. Prior agreements are critical.
I look forward to the next time we head out as a couple where
we can both enjoy ourselves with our respective play partners – whether
separately or as a full swap. I long
for us to simply be happy for each other and the erotic pleasures and intimate
indulgences in which we delight while sharing our physical selves with other
consenting adults. Even more, I hope we can discover our own path and find
pleasure in each other as the sexual beings that we desire to be for each other
and ourselves.
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