My last weekend out left me feeling unsettled about my
relationship with Ron and Nora. Ron
has been emphatic that we have a ‘friendship’ rather than a ‘relationship’. And
I see the point he is trying to make in terms of differentiating between close
friends with benefits and his marriage.
I certainly am not seeking a relationship in terms of the kind that grows
and develops and evolves into something much more than a ‘friends with
benefits’ situation. He is married
to Nora and I am married to Nick.
And neither of us is even slightly interested in changing that. But, for me, a friendship is a
relationship by definition. But the semantics is tripping me up these days.
We had a couple of e-mail exchanges during the intervening
week in which I reinforced my still raw feelings and emotions resulting from my
discovering Ron and Mona entwined in an intimate cuddle session. I thought it might be good to get
together and talk through it a bit so that the heaviness would not be hanging
over my head. I wanted to clear
the tangled web from my psyche.
Ron and Nora were driving south from a three-day Labor Day weekend
at the club. It sounded like a
super fun sexy weekend and I had originally hoped to attend, but a health issue
and my sour mood got the better of me.
My husband had attended part of the festivities and thoroughly enjoyed
Mona (the very same), as usual. I
was still sorting out my feelings and emotions from my last outing and was not
sure how I felt about anything. I was even questioning whether the lifestyle
was a good path for me. I had had
a chance to chat with Bill and talk through my thoughts and emotions some. It is always helpful to touch base with
other non-monogamous individuals and couples to try and find one’s bearings in
this strange wild new universe where the rules of the game are fluid and shift
according to personalities and individual desires.
I met Ron and Nora in the parking lot of a Safeway. We planned to have lunch and talk, but
I was not able to give them clear directions to the restaurant so we opted for
a secondary meet up point. I was
looking forward to just being present with them and gauging my own emotional
and physical reaction to their company. We ended up at yet another Mexican restaurant. We sat in a corner booth away from the
main dining section, with Ron and I on one side and Nora on the other. I oddly climbed in first, placing
myself nearest the window and effectively trapping myself in the booth. Once we all settled in and started
talking, I felt an almost panicked sense of entrapment at my lack of immediate
access to physical freedom. I was
caged by my own actions. I know
that sounds dramatic and ridiculous but I have a very strong fight or flight
response and even when I manage to sit still during difficult conversations, I
am eased significantly if I know that there is a ready escape route.
But, of course, that is all foolishness. Who needed to escape from what? But my antiquated reptilian instinct
was powerful nonetheless. And I was squirming in my seat – and not in a good erotic
way but rather in a desperately uncomfortable having this conversation kind of
way.
We ordered lunch and just talked. I do not even really know what we said. I recall reiterating my embarrassment
over my reactions to Ron’s time with Mona. Ron told me how much he valued our friendship and that he
has lots of friends. And yes, we
all know that. Again, Ron made a
distinction between friendships and relationships. And again, for me it is very artificial since I believe that
a friendship is a relationship, and that a relationship does not imply more,
but in his mind it obviously does.
We both discussed our commitment to our spouses and I made certain that
Nora heard that I had absolutely no interest in more than fun sexy times with
Ron.
What ever we said over lunch helped to settle us and allowed
us to find a mutual level of comfort.
By the end of lunch I found my hand wandering into Ron’s lap. My sexual desire to reunite with him
was surging in a way that was not possible to ignore. The mammalian urges were tremendously
strong. We touched under the table
making an attempt to be subtle.
Eventually Nora bluntly suggested we get a hotel room.
Ron secured a room at a hotel just across the highway from
the restaurant. While Ron registered for the room, Nora and I talked in the
parking lot. She was a bit
squirrely. I told her that if she
did not want this to happen that she should say so and I would leave. I told her that if she asked me to exit
the friendship for good that I would.
But that she needed to communicate her desires to me because I could not
read her mind or interpret her non-verbal communications. Then she stunned me. She said, “if Ron was not already
married to her that she could easily see Ron and I married.” She had apparently shared that tidbit
with others (who I am not clear) earlier in the year. I was absolutely flabbergasted. This had never, ever crossed my mind, not even once. I was not even remotely non-monogamous in
order to find a different life partner. I was non-monogamous to have great sex
with a variety of sexual partners. Period. Without
complications or expectations. And the degree to which sexual partners and
their spouses have become friends has been an added bonus that I had
underestimated from the get go. Nora left me shocked, bewildered and utterly speechless. But she did not ask me to go.
I assumed that if anyone was actually going to make use of the
hotel room it would be the three of us together, but when Ron eagerly extended
and re-extended the offer for Nora to join us, she declined emphatically. The dynamic between them was a bit odd
and I could not understand what was happening. She was purposefully leaving the two of us alone in the
hotel room. She later said that
she thought Ron and I needed a chance to communicate with each other on a
one-on-one basis after the fall out the previous weekend. Ron later told me that he was eager for
her to join because once he had been left in a hotel room with a woman who
subsequently sought to replace Nora.
Obviously that did not go well.
Ron and I went to the room. Nora went shopping. And, I seriously questioned the wisdom
of continuing with the plan. But, again, I decided to take Nora and Ron at
their word. It was their
responsibility to communicate with me if something was amiss. It would be inappropriate for me to
assume that I could read them correctly and reach the correct conclusions on my
own.
Ron and I had an hour and a half of intense sexual
connection that was phenomenally amazing.
We had never been completely alone. Ever. Nora is nearly always with us and when she was not, we were
in public places with others nearby, watching, or climbing onto the bed with us.
It was a bit disconcerting for me to have Nora leave us alone. On the heels of our parking lot
conversation and her unexpected declaration about Ron and I, I was not entirely
sure that I should be in the room alone with Ron, at all. But, Nora encouraged it. And Ron was eager for it. And I wanted to be with him to find our
balance; and sexually was the best way to do that.
In this world of ethical non-monogamy, communication is
vital and I can only take people on their word. I cannot assume what I think someone might be thinking,
wanting and not saying is even remotely accurate. I know people misinterpret me a great deal of the time. Even within my own marriage of nearly
20 years, Nick and I continually misinterpret each other. And we obviously know each other very,
very well with a shared lifetime. If Nick and I cannot always read each other accurately,
how can I have the slightest hope of presuming to understand even for a minute
anything that Nora (or anyone else) could be thinking? I take her at her
word. And if she wants something
from me, for me to do something differently, or for me to leave the friendship,
then she will have to say so. Until then, I will take her at her word and I
will continue to savor the intensely pleasurable sexual connection that Ron and
I enjoy.
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